You may be wondering how I can be a nutritional therapist, life coach and eating disorder therapist, while I am clearly not living congruently. I want to help improve others' lives but I am clearly not looking after myself? Well, yes, this is very true and this is exactly the reason why I have not set up a clinic space. Because, until I am truly walking my talk, I am not going to sit in front of anyone and help them walk theirs, because it would feel hypocritical.
The path I have and continue to lead is one whereby the desire to live and eat healthily contrasts with the part of me that still wants to sabotage my efforts. There is a part of me that is longing for more from life! To live in joy, freedom and abundance, not pain, sorrow and fear.
People don't have eating disorders because they want to. They manifest as a means of coping with trauma, where there seems to be no other way of coping. Mine manifested because I was given away by my mum as a baby and that left a hole that I have not been able to fill. Being bullied through childhood and teenagedom, being adopted into a family that was "wrong" for me, has affected me so deeply. And instead of loving this little child (I grew up feeling very unloved and unlovable), I have punished her with food, drink, drugs and smoking.
So, it is for me now to listen to the needs of the inner child, to pick her up and put her on my lap, let her cry, let her be heard. It isn't right to hurt her, and to keep on hurting her.
Being fat is horrible. It means that I cannot buy the kind of clothes that I would like to buy, that I hide away at home eating. That isn't how life is meant to be lived! I have a very strong desire to progress to raw veganism, I dream about it regularly, as though the Universe is clearly directing me. When we eat fresh, live foods as nature intends, we feel alive and we feel the love of the Universe coursing through our body! It's great and whenever I stick to it I feel absoutely amazing!! But, it is the nature of the eating disordered person (binge eater/orthorexic), to sabotage good efforts and spiral back into disordered eating.
When I am completely free of this, I am going to be able to help so many people who have struggled in the same way. This is why I have my qualifications. This is where I want to work. But my commitment has to be 100% or I won't do it and I won't stand up in front of anyone and tell them how they could be doing it better, if I am not doing it myself.
It takes commitment, time, energy, strength, motivation and desire to move out of addictions and into freedom. But the Universe has given us all the tools we need and the very foods that enhance our mood and lift us out of depression and apathy.
So, being clear about my goal, I know that I want to lose 6-7 stone in weight, I would be very happy going back to 11 stone, which is what I weighed before I had my second child.
How am I going to do this in a healthy way? I know that I cannot become raw vegan overnight, because of my eating disorder. So, I have to take time with it and that's ok!
The way I am going to do it is to make one change a week. It may be that I choose an apple over a bar of chocolate, for example. But the first change I am going to make is that every morning, without fail, I have a living breakfast. This may be a nut milk on fruit or a green smoothie.
This is my first change.
I do hope that anyone who reads my posts and follows my journey and needs help themselves, will be able to look at me as a person who really empathises and that you will not be put off by my honesty. I believe we truly free ourselves the moment we allow ourselves to show ourselves as we truly are, and let go of the need to hide behind a mask.
love and sparkles
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
All of my life I have used foods as a means to swallow painful feelings. I was abandoned by my mum as a baby, adopted into the wrong family and bullied through childhood. Feeling unloved and unlovable, lost, vulnerable, sad, fearful, etc, the only way I could cope with the myriad of emotions, was by eating. Swallowing them down inside meant that they could be stored away. However, what it really means
is that I had to live with the feelings anyway, they just grew bigger and caused more pain in the long-run, both physically and emotionally.
Eating disorders are not easy to lay to rest, for how are you going to cope with life without this crutch? Well, you need to replace the disordered pattern (eating, drinking, smoking etc) for something healthier...
I am going to replace SWALLOWING my feelings for SPEAKING my feelings instead.